Four years ago, a week after I separated from my ex-husband, I sat down and had a cuppa with my friend Steph. It was one of the last times I sat on the couch in my old house, and before she left, she gave me a big bear hug. The kind of hug that holds you until they’re sure you’re ready to let go.

I’ve spent the last four years in a constant state of transition. Healing. Learning. Growing. Actually, a hell of a lot of growing. So much so that I feel like my brain needs a de-frag to make sense of how much I’ve changed.

It Is Not The Mountain That We Conquer, But Ourselves

He was exhausted, actually, we all were. It was coming up to sunrise but from memory we still had another hour until we reached the summit. So, he sat down, and then one by one we all did too. Light hadn't even touched the valley yet, but we had already been hiking for about five hours. The world had barely woken up when we reached the summit.

I still remember taking Neel's photo like it was yesterday. He didn't really sit, more like plonked himself down. His face was worn with exhaustion when he faced me and smiled. Then he turned his head towards the sunrise. He didn't really want to give up, he just wanted to watch the sunrise.

Happiness Is A Place Between Too Much And Too Little

I watched the fingers uncurl on my left hand as I counted how many months I’ve been back in New Zealand. Five, I’ve been back five months. Each time I click on my Facebook memories, there’s a photo or a post that reminds me of a year of travel, adventures, friendships...and of course, life. A year of embracing adventure that not only filled my hard drive with gigabytes worth of memories, but also taught me that seeking adventure is as much about our relationship with ourselves as it is to embrace what happens to us externally.

Be Brave Enough To Suck At Something New

As we get older, trying new things or being adventurous doesn’t come as naturally as when you were a kid. We reach a stage in our lives where we like to think we somewhat have it together, and that could be why we’re more likely to shy away at doing things we haven’t tried before. There’s a higher chance we’d suck at it, which means you have to check your ego at the door and that isn’t always easy.

I’m what you call a generalist - I have a lot of accumulated skills, though not really an expert at anything. I’m that friend who likes to give things a go and have a long list of eclectic hobbies and curiosities. Sometimes I envy people who pursue one or two things and know everything about them inside out. That’s never been me.

You Oughta Know...How Alanis' Lyrics Described My Life.

Yesterday was Christmas Eve. I woke up early and went for a run before sunrise. In my peripheral I could the sun’s glow climbing over Mokoroa that soon painted the sky a bright lemon pastel with splashes of icy blue. I spent the morning at work - which was really just finishing off a few jobs, eating chocolate, and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas as they left one by one. Then I joined the ‘traffic cues’ and headed home. I spent the 15 minute drive home with a big smile, especially knowing that I’ve dodged the supermarket apocalypse unfolding in the parking lots. After a decent afternoon nap, I mowed the lawns, ate the leftover pizza and had an early night. It felt more like a weekend than a Monday.

The Tipping Point Of Fear

Initially I had great resistance going back into Graphic Design - I had convinced myself that I wanted a career change, and this time round, I’m going to have the perfect job. No more office hours, no more stress, and plenty more time for adventures. Truth is, I’m actually pretty good at it. Here’s the thing, I soon realised that if I wanted a career change or my ‘idealistically’ perfect job, I had to decide what I was first willing to let go. Am I willing to be financially unstable, and have little or no income until I figured out how to pursue it? Am I content living at my parents’ home for the next two, five, or ten years? Ten years? That’s scary!