As I was sweating it out this morning at the gym, listening to my laboured breathing, and feeling gross at the beads of sweat inching its way down my chest, I was happy. 5.30am seems like an unnatural hour to be awake and active, yet here I am, again.
Coffee gets me through it. Every morning is a daily struggle, yet once I’m out of bed, the rest is a blur until I start my workout.
I’m not alone in my early morning session - there’s usually about five people already partway through their workout. Yes, there are people who are even crazier than me. I would say they do it to avoid the afternoon madness. It probably smells better at this time of the morning too. A 24-hour gym sure has its perks.
Feathers have been a big obsession this past year - I see them everywhere. By the beach or near the lagoon by my house. I picked up a few and will make them into earrings. I held a small one in the palm of my hand and smiled - this beautiful tiny feather was once from a bird that soared to great heights. Here it was in my palm - how can something so delicate and fragile looking be so strong at the same time?
I have been emotionally bloated this week, and even came close to a panic attack. I stopped, focussed on my breathing until the room stopping spinning and my chest didn’t feel like I was about explode. I had been having money issues, and my worries got the best of me. There I was in my room, unsteady on my feet, feeling unsteady in life.
We all go through these moments, I’ve been through a few. I am fortunate that I am sheltered, and if not paying my bills on time is my biggest worry in life, then I count myself lucky. For the most part I have my health and my mind. Yes I’m stressed, but it would a lot for me to want to give up. Not by a long shot!
I think what gets me is when I try to do it alone. Faith is often a word associated with religious beliefs, which I guess for me, exists in the spiritual realm. To let go, to have faith in the Universe, something greater than ourselves, gives us comfort in our times of need and feeling week. What I believe is what I believe, I don’t sweat the details. I know because I feel it, and somewhere down the road, I know I will be fine.
To live this life only relying on yourself is a great burden. A burden shared is a burden halved, or so they say. Sometimes it feels like I walk alone in my dreams and aspirations, or maybe I just haven’t opened up enough of myself to let people in.
Last year I wrote about being an extroverted introverted. A person who is comfortable in a social setting, and is just as ok in their own company. I read a new term that suited me better, it’s called an ambivert. It’s used to describe many of us who fall in the grey region, where we can be social yet tire of people when we spend too much time with them, yet also don’t mind being alone, as long as it’s not too long, or we get bored.
We humans love to label things don’t we?
Still, it’s a Monday. A good day as any to write down some thoughts. I’m up to Chapter 13 in the book. I think I need more adventures to write about, yes, let’s do that!