life

Keep Your Fears. Share Your Courage.

Keep Your Fears. Share Your Courage.

I blinked twice, was I reading it right? The screen said 91% humidity. A fever can play mind tricks on you, particularly when it comes to convincing you that it’s a good idea to wear a sweatshirt, even when it’s almost 100% humidity. I look down at my gym shorts and realised I was embracing both winter and our tropical summer.

The beads of sweat that rolled down my face, back and legs was somehow soothing, yet gross at the same time (for obvious reasons!). I spent a few hours in bed in and out of the blanket, trying to find that sweet spot of sweating but not overheating from a blanket sauna.

Understanding The Value of Your Teachers

Understanding The Value of Your Teachers

I look so goofy in this photo - full teeth, all out, no holding back kind of smile. The kind of euphoria dancers feel when they know something life changing just happened. My body couldn’t handle both workshops - cramps creeped in on my arches, then my ankles, calves...yeah you get the picture. I was in a room full of teenagers and this was one of those nights where my bones really felt their age.

My Dog Doesn't Want To Eat You Or Your Dog

My Dog Doesn't Want To Eat You Or Your Dog

My dog JC is a three year old Lab from Waiotahi. When I walk her, she has a strut that means business and a grin the size of a decent sized burger. It’s not uncommon for other dog owners with smaller dogs to cross the street or watch her with a suspicious glare as we share the pavement. Because of her size, most assume she is also a male (she’s almost 40kg).

The Love You Withhold From Others Is The Pain You Keep For Yourself

The Love You Withhold From Others Is The Pain You Keep For Yourself

“The love you withhold from others is the pain you keep for yourself.” Arthur was right, and I guess I never thought of it that way.

We had just finished an hour-long angelic reiki session and was talking about what energy he felt from me. He talked about how he could feel the energy ‘blocks’ in my body, and as he released them he could feel pops and various sensations as the flow increased. There was apparently some heavy energy from my shoulders - either I felt stressed or burdened. Maybe both, life has been pretty full on with work, dance and the upcoming poetry slam. And I am my biggest critic.

What Gets Me Up In The Morning

What Gets Me Up In The Morning

I’ve been searching for myself for awhile now - at least that’s what I tell people when they ask what this journey is about. What I write about. I guess the next logical question would be is how would I know that I’ve found what I’m looking for when I get there?

At first I was looking for hope, as we all do when life doesn’t feel like it makes sense anymore. Hope is what keeps you going, it’s what the soul craves in times of crisis and what helps to pick yourself up when giving up feels like the perfect place to lay your head. I found hope in many things - family, friends, strangers and lovers. Hope came in forgiveness. It came in asking questions. Sometimes it even came in sheer stubbornness and belief that this couldn’t be it for me - I couldn’t be on this Earth and for life to just stop...right here. Hope is the string in the bow that your fingers grip, and the more you hold on to that hope, that belief, the greater the momentum you will have when you let go and fly.

Crazy Is When Crazy Does

Crazy Is When Crazy Does

Finding yourself is really a journey about asking those questions - to do the work and peel back the layers to your core values and beliefs. Not everyone has to pack up their lives and move to South America (because you will probably save a hell of a lot of money in the process) but for me, it is. The changes in me doesn’t begin when I hop on that plane, it’s happening now. I’m already becoming the woman that I need to be in that next phase of my journey. Taking action creates the change, that forward motion, is saying fear can still walk beside me, but I won’t allow it to be a backseat driver either.

Photographs

Photographs

Looking through my old photo albums - some even had the developed film in the back pocket of the cover. Reminiscing at photos of my 16-year-old self: From high school photos, a school trip to France, to my Asian travels as an adult - a snapshot of life full of adventure. Like the time I was captain of the girls first XI cricket team (we only had one team by the way). Old friends from high school. The school ball I wore a twenty dollar dress and looked like a thirty year old. Ashes of my adolescence, memories I think of fondly.

Words from a girl you know

Words from a girl you know

Conversations with tween-aged girls never really turn out like you think they would. I won’t tell you everything that they told me, but that line, about feeling ugly, it really stuck with me. Maybe because I know that feeling ugly is ageless - that insecurity can seep into your bones and even lay dormant for years.

Road Trips With My Mother And The Dog

Road Trips With My Mother And The Dog

Every fortnight, my Mum, the dog and I drive an hour and half to a little town called Te Kaha. JC, my dog sits in the boot of the Rav where she is just a bit too short - quite amusing since she lives with a household of Asians. She looks like a kid trying to reach the cookie jar on the bench if she rests her head on the backseat. Her gigantic, wagging tongue a great indicator that she likes road trips too because it’s a nice break from the mundane of our suburban backyard.

It's OK Not To Have All
The Answers In Your 30s

It's OK Not To Have All <br>The Answers In Your 30s

If you want to be happy right now and in the future, stop reliving for your past mistakes. Try to work towards a healing resolution, just commit to living life in the present - not one that isn’t there anymore. When your collective energy is focussed on doing things and being with people that make you happy, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be OK. Not just OK, you will probably be kick ass if you’re not already.

The Photo That Almost Didn't Happen

The Photo That Almost Didn't Happen

“Just trust me,” that’s what my friend John said as I gave him that look. The background was the face of a woman in mustard yellow and pale pink lips. He framed the shot then showed it to me. Damn, the face that stared back at me was such a bad-ass. That was our joke for the rest of the day.

She was bold and confident, and the best part was that she was me.

Why I Said Yes To Travel

Why I Said Yes To Travel

I have left and moved back home a total of four times in my adult life. The first time I was 18 and moved to Wellington to study, and this latest stint I’m now in my mid-thirties. My parents’ home has always been a place where I reset, and each time I leave I’ve been in a good headspace.

Space Clearing

Space Clearing

Next year I’m going on another journey - I’m moving to South America. At the start of all this, I promised myself that I wouldn’t run away, and I’ll only leave this town when I’ve found peace and ready to move on. What I’ve learned is that when you experience emotional trauma, peace comes from conscious acts of forgiveness. Isn’t the real gift from all of this is that before I leave, I will no longer take for granted this beautiful place I’ve called home all these years? When I speak of my hometown, it will be not where I was broken, but where I became something greater than what I could have ever imagined.

Then I Hit Delete

Then I Hit Delete

I thought about it, then I hit delete. For almost a week I haven’t had the Facebook or Messenger app on my phone, and it’s been the best decision ever. Sure, it makes it inconvenient when you need to check messages on the go, but apart from that I haven’t really missed it.

# 68 The Value of Everything

# 68 The Value of Everything

There’s a lot I’m questioning about myself and I’m not totally sure where it’s going yet. I’m convinced though that it’s long overdue and definitely a good thing. Losing my voice was a blessing in disguise - it allowed me to call a truce with myself. To be grateful that I’m still here. To start over.

# 67 The Gap Years

# 67 The Gap Years

The ‘gap’ for me is like the void before life makes sense - where you give yourself the space and permission to learn, make mistakes, be frustrated, to almost give up, to start over and over again. That place where following your passion brings you to the brink of madness. Yet those of us who seek the other side and survive it understand that bridging the gap is no mean feat (because let’s face it, it takes as much stubbornness as hard work).

# 66 The Cultural Divide

# 66 The Cultural Divide

What I have to remember in all this is to keep living my truth. Taking on other people’s expectations of me, that’s a heavy burden to carry and impossible to live up to. I don’t want to live the rest of my days scared of disappointing people, because let’s face it, it’s going to happen anyway. When we label others, how we see them is biased while that person is in that bubble.

Peel away the labels and let go of the judgement. Take away the regrets but keep the lessons. Yeah, I think that’s a good place to start.

# 65 Start Where You Are Now, Not Where You Hope To Be

# 65 Start Where You Are Now, Not Where You Hope To Be

Sometimes we all get caught up in feeling hopelessly average - like being average is something to be feared and loathed. Neither being good nor bad. Just meh. That mindset where I would never be exceptional in ONE thing bothers me...A LOT. It shouldn’t because I am pretty good at many things. After all, if we were all meant to be great at everything, how do we measure true greatness? Maybe that’s why I do so much, because I’m still looking for that ONE thing I could say that I was really good at - my standout moment. Or am I hoping that my collective above averages can add up to satisfying my ego?

# 64 Be Greater Than The Fear

# 64 Be Greater Than The Fear

We are all mirrors, and what we see in others, good or bad is a reflection of ourselves. Let go of the judgement. Do what makes you happy. Love yourself a bit more each day. Share that happiness with someone, or cherish it in a moment of stillness.

# 63 Fried Chicken and Waffles

# 63 Fried Chicken and Waffles

Quirky is like this cute way to say that you’re weird. I know because I am weird. Not the stabby-stabby kind, but well you know, yolo.

I launched my book yesterday, which felt awesome. There was a pretty decent turn-out, at least 40 people, maybe more. Most were friends and family, and there were a few who came after they saw my article in Eastern Bay Life. When I started writing the book, I didn’t really think about what it would feel like when it was finally published - deep down did I think I wouldn’t finish it? Maybe.