It feel like I haven't been writing, I have, well I just haven't published them. Right now, I can't publish them, to help protect myself and my loved ones from being caught up in the drama. But this morning, and for the last few days I've been compelled to write this because emotional chaos isn't just something specific to my situation, it can take form in many ways, and the biggest lesson I learned is that we need to own our choices in the aftermath, and healing can only begin when we let go of the anger, grief, bitterness, self-loathing etc. You can only change yourself.
It's only been a week, and it feels like a life time. I'm tired, and right now the best thing for me is rest, do my best to live my life, and surround myself with people that listen, but don't allow me to wallow in self-pity and destructive anger. That will only hurt me more, and those who truly love me.
Last night came the answer
It was the resolution I needed to gain clarity. Doesn't mean to say I've got it all figured out, but it helps me move forward.
Through all this, people have been telling me how ‘strong’ I am, and I will get through this. In my times of anger and self-loathing it's the one thing that really pisses me off. Because you know, as well meaning as it is, it puts one hell of a pressure on me. But when my mind is clear, I just tell myself, you're not ok, but one day soon you will be. Strong women aren't ok all the time, but they are resillient, and can suffer temporary pain for long term gain. That's what real strength is.
When it all comes out in the open, there will be those in shock, those who gossip and feed the drama, and those who will cross the street just so they don't have to talk to that ‘broken’ woman. I'm not broken, actually. My mind is chaotic right now, but I look forward to the day I look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at me. She will resemble the best fragments of me and from my old life. She will be different, and better.
By the way, if you do choose to gossip and talk behind my back, just remember that's a reflection of you, not me. No one can know for sure what they would do when it happens to them, but I know I will do my best not to be a bitch and keep my dignity. I haven't got it all figured out, but I can take it one day at a time.
Be you. do you.
Through all this has been some of the best writing I've done, maybe because it's so personal and no one can write my story for me. Some day it will help many people, to heal and learn to laugh at that moment in their lives. It's early days, but if you know of any publishers that can wait six months to a year, hit me up. Universe, I'm speaking to you!
When you hit emotional chaos and you get to the stage just beyond the numb, emptiness, and anger and grief slaps you in the face, breathe. Love yourself. I mean it. It's not selfish to protect yourself, and by fast tracking your recovery, will help lessen the damage to those around you. Bad things happen to good people, so don't play the victim. Staying in that space gives away your power to change the situation, and is only a band-aid to your pain.
People don't realise how spiritual I am. Spirituality comes in different forms - some get it from a book, some from nature, some from within themselves, or maybe all of those. I no longer go to church for personal reasons, but I've never lost my faith. My goal in life is to give as much good and light to this world and that's enough for me. So, if you're still angry, bitter or self-loathing by this paragraph, it's ok. Breathe.
I will sign off now so I can start ticking off my list. It's Monday after all. I will try not to be a stranger, but my optimism is back, man I missed her. If you need to cry, then cry. But don't stay in that space thinking you deserve it. No one deserves to live an unhappy life, not even those who hurt you.