You Oughta Know...How Alanis' Lyrics Described My Life.
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Embrace the change
Yesterday was Christmas Eve. I woke up early and went for a run before sunrise. In my peripheral I could the sun’s glow climbing over Mokoroa that soon painted the sky a bright lemon pastel with splashes of icy blue. I spent the morning at work - which was really just finishing off a few jobs, eating chocolate, and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas as they left one by one. Then I joined the ‘traffic cues’ and headed home. I spent the 15 minute drive home with a big smile, especially knowing that I’ve dodged the supermarket apocalypse unfolding in the parking lots. After a decent afternoon nap, I mowed the lawns, ate the leftover pizza and had an early night. It felt more like a weekend than a Monday.
It’s Christmas Day 2019. I managed to sleep in, which was pretty easy, since I woke up to soft rain by my window. I wondered if the houses around me were already awake, opening their presents, maybe even justifying eating chocolate at 7am. A dad smiling at his annual gift of socks and undies for the next year. Wrapping paper madness. I’ve had that kind of Christmas before, but over the years I’ve become more content with something much simpler.
I get two weeks off over the Christmas / New Year break since work is closed. So, I’m going to spend a few days rock climbing and hiking in Raglan. Maybe even do some kayaking. It really just depends if the Kiwi summer will play ball. I’m happy that I kept my promise from last Christmas - that if I did come back to New Zealand, that I would explore even more of my own backyard.
On Sunday, I spent most of the day at the beach, enjoying the sun and stayed almost long enough to watch the sunset. I tried something new - I realised that I’d never walked to Otarawairere Bay from the rocks at West End. So, I did. Unfortunately the tide wasn’t low enough and I had to stop on a cove before the bay. I spent about 30 minutes there before making my way back to West End.
West End, Õhope Beach.
I found what I’ve been looking for
I’ve used Alanis Morissete’s music in my writing over the years because I related to the angst in her words. If someone asked me where I’m at these days, I say I’ve left my ‘You Oughta Know’ days behind me and ‘Thank You’ is where my head is at.
There were mixed reactions when Alanis’ music moved on from her Jagged Little Pill days. People didn’t know how to relate to her newfound peace - her music was the fuel to help you release frustrations from a hard day, week...oh heck maybe even a decade! It’s also great to clean the house with, just saying. Letting go of my Alanis angst days is like upgrading from a training bra in my tweens, or accepting that eating Nutella by the spoonful is really not a good idea.
When I finished mowing the lawn yesterday, I was hot and sweaty (a hot mess in the literal sense), but I also felt a wave of peace wash over me. Yeah, I’m sure not many people would describe doing the lawns as peaceful, but that’s how I felt. In the ordinary, everything felt familiar and different at the same time.
I think I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for. It took me awhile to realise what it was, and from then on nothing was the same again.
It wasn’t in the many adventures I’ve had in the last three years, even though I’m just as grateful for those. Although, quenching my wanderlust did bring so many new people, experiences and memories. It brought purpose to my writing. It helped me to exist, grow and believe in myself in a phase of my life when I needed it. That part of me isn’t over, but it’s just going to take a back seat for now.
What did I find? I found what makes me happy. I understood why Alanis’ music had to change, just like my story has changed. Maybe that will mean people don’t relate to my writing like they used to, and that’s ok. It doesn’t matter. I finally know what it feels like to bridge that gap.
Wherever you are in your journey, I send you love and kindness. I hope these words gives you hope to keep going, keep trying and someday soon, I hope you’ll find peace too.
This past month I grew tired of telling myself the same stories and giving up my power to those negative thoughts. What are my plans heading into 2020? Create a new story, make more memories. So, thank you 2019...next.
xo Ronna
fivefootronna is Ronna Grace Funtelar - a thirtyish adventurer, graphic designer and writer.
A woman with a curious mind who lives for hiking mountains, outdoor adventures and eating pizza. She has a unique brand of optimism that is a combination of her great enthusiasm for life and cups of coffee during the day.