Oh how my temper gets me in trouble sometimes. Doubt, when combined with late night conversations about the future turned a somewhat frustrating conversation into World War 3.
You know what the most annoying thing is? He was right. I over-reacted and I allowed my ego to negotiate on my behalf. Everything we were talking about is what healthy relationships should discuss, yet he caught me on an emotional day and I took the bait.
In his words I was ‘spitting venom’ - one sniff of doubt, processed in my head as being abandoned, and being abandoned meant I had to push him away. Going from zero to talking about taking a break in a manner of minutes just goes to show how defensive we can become when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Long-distance relationships, especially when it's at the beginning of the dating timeline, heightens feelings of doubt. Not only in how emotionally invested each party perceives the other to be, but also how the future will pan out. I’ve been guilty of doubting ‘us’ too. It hit home for me when he said that I’m expecting him to be something he isn't yet, because realistically, how long have we known each other?
That brutal honesty. He was right, I wanted him to be the certainty in my uncertain future.
I turned off my phone because I could feel something ugly bubbling up to the surface. Like scratching a newly scabbed wound by accident, it stings and hurts like a bitch, but you only have yourself to blame. I wasn't angry that he was sharing his doubts, I was frustrated at myself because I was letting my ego get the better of me.
In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, we live in that euphoric state, sometimes with reckless abandonment. You can't get enough of each other, you want to hear about everything they do - you want to be with them 24/7. We’ve spent more time apart than be together. Living in different countries, our relationship began with uncertainty - so how do we move beyond that?
By having the hard, honest conversations. Like the one he tried to have with me last night. I got scared and hung up on him.
I cried...because I was tired, emotionally vulnerable and fear got the better of me. Not because he said anything mean or hurtful. He was right though, I got scared because whatever I thought I was looking for in him wasn’t there. I missed being in a relationship, and I was tired of waiting for ours to mould itself into the void my last one had left.
In the deepest layers of my emotions, there was still that fear that he would leave me. That I would be too much work. I was too broken and no matter how much I glued myself back together, I couldn’t get past this. I have this habit of shutting myself off when I can't process what I feel - that very human part of me that is scared to be alone, yet I also can't stand being around people.
I guess when we start talking again I will start by saying sorry. Sorry for over-reacting, and not listening to him before I shut him out. They say everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear, hopefully one day soon we will meet on the other side.