movingon

Close The Door
So That It Clicks

Close The Door <br>So That It Clicks

I went to see an acupuncturist a couple of days ago. She also practises Reiki. There was a tightness in my left hip that had been persistent for the past month. It wasn’t painful, just mildly tight and sometimes an uncomfortable feeling at night. I had been following her on Instagram for some time and had read her reviews - the Universe insisted that I go to see her that Friday. 

My acupuncturist talked about the left and right sides of the body and what they represented to her as she treated patients. The tightness on my left hip was being caused by fear, and possibly furthermore, habitual fear. Feeling stuck and indecisive, as well as becoming frustrated because I can’t (or won’t) make decisions that I know will help me to move forward. Like booking my tickets for Peru. The tightness I felt in my upper left glute felt the same way as if I had been sitting on a concrete floor for hours. There’s that word again - stuck.

The point I’m making is this, sometimes, when we need to move on, you need to make sure that proverbial door clicks...shut. Then you make a promise to yourself that, no matter what, you walk away. Don’t let the fear of having that one part of your life ending hold you back from the thousand other (read “better”) ways for you to be happy.

# 39 Message In A Bottle

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As the waves crash in front of me, all I can think of is how I’m procrastinating packing up the house. He’s taken most of his share of belongings and now I’m sorting through mine. Yesterday I ran out of rubbish bags, so I left. I also started to panic when deciding what to do with the pots and pans. I used to love cooking, now it will have to go into storage until I decide my next move.

He said it was like he sent out a message in a bottle - and I found him in a sea of strangers...

 

A friend and I sent each other postcards but neither of us have received it. So I asked him what he had written, and told him mine. He said it was like he sent out a message in a bottle - and I found him in a sea of strangers. I told him that I missed him, but I didn't like that I miss him. We get each other like that.

I think I finally realised why I couldn't let go of the house - I needed time to verbalise what I have been resenting. It wasn't the break up, or feeling less of a woman - it was having to admit that this is right for both of us. Moving on from this is shit scary, but it needs to happen. I need to let that part of me go.

Which brings me to the next question - when is the right time to start dating? How long after a breakup does the next relationship not be considered a ‘rebound’? The truth is, that depends on me, and how I feel about it. When I meet men, I put them in boxes - guys that are fun but lead nowhere, the too hard basket, the potential relationship but haven't got a clue. Truth is any of them could lead into a relationship if I allowed them to. But I don't. I don't want to put myself back out there because it makes me vulnerable. That's just it, love, real love isn't about control, it’s given freely by two people. I have to learn to trust myself again. I have to choose to trust again.

That feeling of being unsteady, and second guessing, it sucks being stuck in the mud. I was listening to X Ambassadors’ song ‘Unsteady’, written by children of divorced parents. There in the car as I drove, sadness overwhelmed me and my vision blurred. It struck me, so suddenly, yet it gave me hope. I wasn't numb. A moment of pain for a lifeline and I have never been so hopeful.

I’m going to keep writing my book, and I want to finish it before Christmas. By then April will seem like a lifetime ago, and I will be a bit wiser too. It will be my first Christmas alone, I might even go on a road trip.

All I know is that each day I work on my own happiness, brings me closer to be able to receive the love I deserve. I know you're curious about my message in a bottle, and for now a vast sea exists between us, and we don't talk often. But when we do, it’s like we’ve known each other a lifetime ago, and he’s back to remind me that love exists because I’ve known pain.

Loving is hard, but keeping it to yourself, that would be a tragedy.

# 38 I Dreamed A Dream

I don’t remember dreaming much these last few months, so I’ve missed my subconscious reflections. Everything had been feeling stuck lately, and last night's dream helped me understand what I had been doing, and how to work my way back to the light.

This is just a fragment of my dream last night:

“As I walked to the door of what must have been my apartment, I caught the sight of a man holding a chainsaw. I knew he was looking for me and I ran towards the old, creaky, pale yellow door. In my head I could hear him start the chainsaw, but was he? The first door had three locks, and in time I managed to lock five doors, leading deeper into the apartment. As I was about to run to another room and perhaps lock another door, I saw a window with no glass,replaced instead with rotting wood planks. I wanted to panic, but what could I do? Light shone through the gaps. I ran further into another room and my dream morphed into another place.
I was exploring a market in a basement, a stall selling electronic gadgets. I was looking at the cameras, but they were high up and I couldn't reach. So I levitated, which didn't surprise the father and daughter at the counter. In fact I saved them the trouble of having to teach me to use the hydraulic platform. There was another side room full of cameras, and I levitated with ease, looking at the mostly outdated models. I left not buying anything, but felt proud how I had mastered my ability to levitate in enclosed spaces.”

There's a lot to be said about state of my mind to dream like this. What am I running away from that it takes five doors to feel almost safe? I know flying in dreams means wanting to break free, but how can I break free when I am locking myself away? For all I knew that man could have been using the chainsaw to chop down a tree, so why did I assume I was in danger? Good people do bad things, just as bad people can do good things. How do we decide who we can trust?

People want to love us, but by locking ourselves away, puts a wall up. In that apartment, before I ran into another room, I saw the fragmented light. Through those broken planks I felt the warmth of the outside reaching out to me. I didn’t block it out because I knew that if I didn't have the strength to unlock all those doors, then I will just have to break out. That window that made me anxious about him getting in, actually showed me a way out.

Am I running away from men? Maybe.

I woke up today ready to tackle one of the biggest steps in moving on - packing up the house and get it ready to sell. To say goodbye to a big reminder of who I was, and the first to discovering who I will become. I will have my box of tissues with me, but I hope I won’t need it.

I understand now why it all happened, and why it happened this way. Most importantly, I realised why I have to let go.

Letting go won’t drown me in sadness, it’s going to help me to fly.
— fivefootronna

Ronna Funtelar Thacker is a writer, foodie and dance studio owner.
A self-confessed eternal optimist and lover of crispy M&Ms, she shares her adventures and life learnings to connect, inspire and nurture self-love.