I went to see an acupuncturist a couple of days ago. She also practises Reiki. There was a tightness in my left hip that had been persistent for the past month. It wasn’t painful, just mildly tight and sometimes an uncomfortable feeling at night. I had been following her on Instagram for some time and had read her reviews - the Universe insisted that I go to see her that Friday.
My acupuncturist talked about the left and right sides of the body and what they represented to her as she treated patients. The tightness on my left hip was being caused by fear, and possibly furthermore, habitual fear. Feeling stuck and indecisive, as well as becoming frustrated because I can’t (or won’t) make decisions that I know will help me to move forward. Like booking my tickets for Peru. The tightness I felt in my upper left glute felt the same way as if I had been sitting on a concrete floor for hours. There’s that word again - stuck.
They say that the first step to a lasting positive change is to acknowledge that the situation needs to change. To forgive yourself and not to live in constant self-shaming, that just because you haven’t already got your life together by your thirties, that you may as well quit. I felt like that once, then I remembered that both my paternal grandparents lived to their nineties and I couldn’t risk living a shitty life for the next sixty years! True story.
Motivation comes in waves, but finding out what drives you, that extra sauce that gets you out of bed when you think you’re sucking at life, that’s what I’m learning about myself. What drove me to keep going when at one stage, every cell in my body felt like a breath away from shutting down? There was a constant feeling in my gut that this phase, when I was at my lowest, that this couldn’t be it for me. Right now, that is what drives me - knowing that when I’m ready to close this chapter of my life, another door is already there waiting for me to walk through.
Don’t let the door rattle
The door to my room at my parents house is easily affected by the draft from an opened window. When you close it, you have to make sure to make it clicks. Otherwise, the door will rattle, trying to open itself. The sound drives me crazy, what begins as a subtle rattle soon sounds like the door is trying to unhinge itself (exaggeration but it’s still annoying nonetheless). The point I’m making is this, when we need to move on, we need to make sure that proverbial door clicks...shut. Then you make a promise to yourself that, no matter what, you walk away. Don’t let the fear of having that one part of your life ending hold you back from the thousand other (read “better”) ways for you to be happy.
I’ll be brutally honest. Letting go can sometimes feel like you’re skinning yourself alive, drowning in a boiling pot of tar - it’s been super frustrating to say the least. Yet I feel the change in the air. The way I feel less burdened by the last two years. When you call a truce with the guilt of your past mistakes, owned them, it clears space in your brain to make better decisions moving forward.
When the proverbial door closes, don’t let it rattle. Listen for that click and take a deep breath. Give thanks for all the memories (the blood, guts and glory!) - then keep walking and don’t look back.
P.S. Oh and I booked my tickets today....
Close The Door So That It Clicks is an extract from my second book to be released circa 2019, and the sequel to STUCK - Friends, Lovers & The Obscurity of In Between (May 2017).
Photo Credit: Wooden Doors from Freepik