I don’t remember dreaming much these last few months, so I’ve missed my subconscious reflections. Everything had been feeling stuck lately, and last night's dream helped me understand what I had been doing, and how to work my way back to the light.
This is just a fragment of my dream last night:
“As I walked to the door of what must have been my apartment, I caught the sight of a man holding a chainsaw. I knew he was looking for me and I ran towards the old, creaky, pale yellow door. In my head I could hear him start the chainsaw, but was he? The first door had three locks, and in time I managed to lock five doors, leading deeper into the apartment. As I was about to run to another room and perhaps lock another door, I saw a window with no glass,replaced instead with rotting wood planks. I wanted to panic, but what could I do? Light shone through the gaps. I ran further into another room and my dream morphed into another place.
I was exploring a market in a basement, a stall selling electronic gadgets. I was looking at the cameras, but they were high up and I couldn't reach. So I levitated, which didn't surprise the father and daughter at the counter. In fact I saved them the trouble of having to teach me to use the hydraulic platform. There was another side room full of cameras, and I levitated with ease, looking at the mostly outdated models. I left not buying anything, but felt proud how I had mastered my ability to levitate in enclosed spaces.”
There's a lot to be said about state of my mind to dream like this. What am I running away from that it takes five doors to feel almost safe? I know flying in dreams means wanting to break free, but how can I break free when I am locking myself away? For all I knew that man could have been using the chainsaw to chop down a tree, so why did I assume I was in danger? Good people do bad things, just as bad people can do good things. How do we decide who we can trust?
People want to love us, but by locking ourselves away, puts a wall up. In that apartment, before I ran into another room, I saw the fragmented light. Through those broken planks I felt the warmth of the outside reaching out to me. I didn’t block it out because I knew that if I didn't have the strength to unlock all those doors, then I will just have to break out. That window that made me anxious about him getting in, actually showed me a way out.
Am I running away from men? Maybe.
I woke up today ready to tackle one of the biggest steps in moving on - packing up the house and get it ready to sell. To say goodbye to a big reminder of who I was, and the first to discovering who I will become. I will have my box of tissues with me, but I hope I won’t need it.
I understand now why it all happened, and why it happened this way. Most importantly, I realised why I have to let go.
Ronna Funtelar Thacker is a writer, foodie and dance studio owner.
A self-confessed eternal optimist and lover of crispy M&Ms, she shares her adventures and life learnings to connect, inspire and nurture self-love.