When was the last time that you’ve watched a sunrise? I think it’s been a few years for me, and that’s a stretch because I can’t really remember when it was. Maybe it was at Angkor Wat in Cambodia. We got there just as the sun was rising over the mighty temple, tracing a silhouette on the edges of the ancient stones.
There I stood ten years ago. Was it really a decade ago when I took that leap of faith, left my first job and embarked on a solo trip overseas? I’ve packed a lot of living in the ten years since, and though the memories I created in the hereafter may not seem as exotic as my Asian trip, there’s no denying they helped shape into who I am today.
Somewhere along the way I lost that twenty-something courage. You know, that part of you that didn’t care about your bank balance. Where you thought celebrating your 20th birthday three weekends in a row was totally worth it. Spontaneous road trips. How did I ever survive going out two nights in a row with four hours sleep?
One of my youngest students asked me if I had kids today. I told her no. She thought about it some more and smiled. “I guess they would probably be in this class if you had some aye?” We had a good giggle about it, she’s a cool kid. Then we moved on to other topics like sports she plays. These are the sort of conversations I’ve grown used to with kids, you know the ‘cool-aunty-kind’.
I’ve always wanted kids of my own, and being single in my mid-thirties there is that chance that I might have to have them in my late thirties, or early forties. When I first came out of my ten year relationship, it played a lot on my mind. Then one day I realised that I was actually pretty messed up emotionally, and it wouldn’t do me or my future child any good if I couldn’t truly love myself in the present.
I spent the weekend in Tauranga. Before I left home on the weekend I made a decision to let go of a lot of emotional baggage. Old beliefs that no longer served me. Big, small, and some I didn’t even realise I was still holding onto, just habit I guess. I closed my eyes, took a deep breathe and gave them to the wind. There’s a lot of shifting happening inside me, so I’ll be patient. I felt tears almost come to the surface, but these were happy ones. We all get in that rut sometimes, and I’m owning that. I make a choice everyday not to guilt myself and stay in that feeling of not being good enough.
In the car, I had a moment, but it was enough. Suddenly I was just more...aware. The sun shone warmer on my skin. All around there was energy buzzing, and I could smell...life. In that moment I felt more alive than I had been these last few months. Just as I came to realise what I felt, it faded. The Universe gave me a glimpse of living. The space I created by letting go gave me love in return.
Next year I’m going on another journey - I’m moving to South America. At the start of all this, I promised myself that I wouldn’t run away, and I’ll only leave this town when I’ve found peace and ready to move on. What I’ve learned is that when you experience emotional trauma, peace comes from conscious acts of forgiveness. Isn’t the real gift from all of this is that before I leave, I will no longer take for granted this beautiful place I’ve called home all these years? When I speak of my hometown, it will be not where I was broken, but where I became something greater than what I could have ever imagined.
I once read that even though we are all humans, sometimes, in the chaos of life, we forget what it means to be just that...human. I don’t know exactly what it means to be human, maybe the answer changes every day.
Space clearing comes in many forms, and emotions is just one of them. I want a happier future for myself, and that means making room in my life for good things to come along. No more resisting and being stubborn, it’s time to let it all go.