Just Because You Can Do It All, Doesn't Mean You Should
On top of Mt. Pūtauaki from a recent climb.
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I got sick recently, like really sick. Sick enough to end up in hospital, because it turned out that the three-day pain in my abdomen was my appendix, daring to break up with me. How can something so small cause you a whole lot of pain? Like, stepping on Lego. Or a damn prickle.
Thank goodness for free healthcare in New Zealand, aye. It’s been almost three weeks since my operation and I’m relatively pain free. There’s no longer a gingerness in each step - on the outside you can’t tell I even had an operation. But I’m not firing on all engines yet. Tiredness creeps up on me around 3pm, insisting I take a late afternoon siesta before dinner.
“Take it easy,” echoed in my ears from workmates when I went back to work to work this week. It’s nice to be back at work, because I’m lucky enough to genuinely enjoy what I do and to be in a team that helps me thrive.
“It’s not easy for you to go slow, is it?” A workmate asked when he saw me back at my desk. I laughed. But he was right, it isn’t easy. Then again, I didn’t have a choice because going slow was really all I could do. You see, walking made my insides jiggle about, like everything wanted to fall out. Plus it took another week after my discharge from the hospital before my appetite came back. The only reason I was eating was so I could take my antibiotics. This is the most still and patient I’ve ever been in my adult life.
You don’t realise just how much stress has been soaring through your veins until you detox after a couple of weeks of forced bed rest.
Do you know what happens when you’re still after chaos?
You begin an honest dialogue with your body. Those little niggles, the persistent aches, the mental fatigue - they all speak up, no longer drowned out by the noise of busyness. You don’t realise just how much stress has been soaring through your veins until you detox after a couple of weeks of forced bed rest.
I naturally have a lot of energy, so when I’m healthy, I’m always busy. It’s only when I get sick that I give myself permission to rest. So, I asked myself, “Why do I feel the need to be busy all the time?” I figured that if I’m to break this cycle, I have to dig deep. I have to go to the part of me that only I see, which turns out is buried under a whole lot of feelings I’ve bottled up over a lifetime.
I discovered that it’s not easy for me to relate to people, and sometimes it made me lonely. By keeping busy, I simply never had the time to address it. Sure, I’m friendly, I can even have a deep and meaningful conversation with a stranger ten minutes after I meet them, but that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. I find it hard to open up and be vulnerable, like it’s a threat to my independence.
Maybe it’s also because I have a high level of empathy - I can feel and sense what the other person feels so strongly that I knew how to shape my response to what I think they need. However, to truly connect with someone beyond a superficial level, it has to be a two way exchange.
The loneliness I feel isn’t a heavy burden, and I know it will fall away once I stop doing more than what my body and mind should be expected to handle. Now it’s time to make space for me to breathe. Being still taught me that just because I can do it all, it doesn’t mean I should. We have this one body that’s expected to last us until we kick the bucket, and it’s time to prioritise my health above all else, even the mountains I’ve yet to climb.
xo Ronna Grace
P.S. A massive THANK YOU to the wonderful nurses and surgeons at the Whakatāne Hospital for taking such good care of me during my four days in hospital. I’m truly grateful.
fivefootronna is Ronna Grace Funtelar - a thirtyish adventurer, graphic designer and writer.
A woman with a curious mind who lives for hiking mountains, outdoor adventures and eating pizza. She has a unique brand of optimism that is a combination of her great enthusiasm for life and cups of coffee during the day.