Over the weekend, I took a walk in the Whirinaki Forest. Apart from needing to get my dose of nature’s remedy - I also wanted to find a quiet place to have a conversation with myself, to ground and make peace with something I’ve held onto for too long. April is my birthday month after all - I’ll be turning 35, and this one feels light years different than the last. It feels hopeful, the last couple of years seemed like so many things in my life ended, this time feels like I’m finally seeing the big picture.
Two days ago, I was dreaming about an erupting volcano for what felt like a split second before my 5am alarm clock kicked in. It was dark, maybe night time because everything was in silhouette, it also took me awhile to realise that in front of me was an erupting volcano. I could see the lava flow from the crater, but not close enough to feel the heat. I watched my head begin to turn away before the shriek of my alarm woke me up.
There are some theories about what volcanoes in dreams can mean: It can symbolise suppressed emotions rushing to the surface, possibly causing conflict. Lava represents both the end and creation of new life - for when the land recovers after an eruption, the soil becomes fertile and abundant.
I know exactly why I dreamt about the volcano...
You see, there’s so much in life we’re afraid to say, and often it just get pushed down to the deepest layers of ourselves because it seems easier not to address it at all. My metaphorical lava has been sitting in and building up pressure in the magma chamber, holding on for dear life. My volcano dream was probably a message from my subconscious to begin to address those feelings before I did erupt in my waking life.
I walked away from a situationship recently, and it had triggered a chain reaction of emotions. I spent a lot of time in social hibernation. So, what’s a situationship you ask? It’s when you catch feelings for who you think that person represents, then one day you realise that you don’t really know each other at all. You then have to decide if it’s worth emotionally re-investing based on this newfound knowledge, to rebuild that lost connection, or to simply walk away.
What’s most frustrating is that even when you’re not physically around that person anymore, they still take up space in your head.
That’s why I’m in situationship detox at the moment. Cold turkey. I’m not sad it’s over, in fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been for awhile. It brought closure to the uncertainty, and right now, that’s what I need.
What did I learn from my escape in the forest? My heart told me that whatever it is that I’m seeking, whatever is missing, I have to BE THAT - because you can look for it your whole life, and one day you’ll wake up and realise it was there all along. Sounds cliché I know, because it frustrated me so much too. Once I realised that all I had to do was choose, so much anxiety fell away. I told myself that I wasn’t broken, that what I’m seeking isn’t missing, and from here on in, I can just get on with living this life as best as I could.
Somedays dating is like walking through a muddy field in your pyjamas and slippers - it seems like a lot of fun at the beginning, but in the back of your mind you know you’re probably going to find shit along the way. That doesn’t mean you should give up on love though. Take time, let them earn space in your life (and you to earn space in theirs too), mind and heart
Also remember that actions speak louder than words...always.
8/04/2018 - I came back to edit some parts of this post because I had such an awakening this past weekend. My social hibernation has really given me the time and space to give back to myself, reset and feel loved.
What You Think You Are Seeking Will Not Complete You is an extract from my second book to be released circa 2019, and the sequel to STUCK - Friends, Lovers & The Obscurity of In Between (May 2017).