I put this phase of my life to the feeling that, for the past ten years I measured my desirability as a woman in the fact I was married. Being single can be like searching for a unicorn among donkeys, that mythical creature that only leads to overthinking and frustration. The truth is that unicorns are mythical creatures for a reason, and unrequited love, or more so, lust, is not as sexy as the movies make it out to be.
They say relationship grief comes in stages, and there’s plenty of articles online about it. Mine went something like this: The Rejection, Let’s Talk A Lot, Stuck, Consumed By Work, Starting Over.
This wasn’t even about the marriage break-up, it was more about a bruised ego, of having that stigma that comes with separation. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, or if I did it was superficial stuff like how I felt at the time. Not the real talk about how anxious I felt about the future and how I just wanted to run away. Luckily for me I had friends who supported me through it, and made me realise I was making life decisions based on temporary emotions.
Let’s Talk A Lot
I’m an open book, and did I talk a lot about everything. Once I got over the rejection, I reached out to my closest and longest friends who loved me through my feeling of loathing, lack of self-love, or brought me hot chocolates and just listened. At the end of it, I was done talking and made a choice that talking about it kept me in that headspace, so I chose to change the subject when someone new wanted to talk about it.
This is where I started to feel settled, I didn’t burst into tears over weird sentimental things, I just accepted that there were days I didn’t feel good, and there were days I was hopeful and looking ahead. Then there were days I searched for answers and found more questions. Who will I spend Christmas with this year? When can I sell the house? Where will my dog live?
Consumed by Work
I’m probably at this phase now, although sometimes I jump back and forth to the others depending on my mood. When I talk to people about my schedule, they laugh, or frown, or look at me and smile with sympathy. Some people have addictions, mine right now is work. It’s my escape, but I don’t plan on being here forever. Just until I figure out a few things.
I can’t read minds, but if I was my ex, I would be growing impatient and would want me to move on and find a new partner too. Easier said than done, and whether he knew it or not, he was already mentally preparing himself to be with someone else. It’s ok, I’ve made peace with that. Not excusing it, but I’m not the easiest person to live with, and like I’ve said, I am a workaholic. I am also incredibly passionate, driven and ambitious. I am also ok with being alone, and some men find that intimidating, and some men like to feel needed.
When I start stressing out about the details of how my life should look like, I try to embrace the magic of the unknown. They say unicorns aren’t real, but you know what, good people are. People in my life who make me happy are real. I’m not really searching for a unicorn amongst donkeys, I’m more of an alpaca kind of girl anyway.
When I have questions floating in my head, I go to the gym. Or I sleep. Or I write. I might feel a bit stuck sometimes, but that's just me being impatient. Oh how I am so impatient...
Ronna Funtelar Thacker is a writer, foodie and dance studio owner.
A self-confessed eternal optimist and lover of crispy M&Ms, she shares her adventures and life learnings to connect, inspire and nurture self-love.