As I sit outside of L’epicerie before work, waiting for my friend Nyre, I understand now how people become overwhelmed. How I became overwhelmed. And getting caught up in the business of being busy leave little room to truly enjoy and feel grateful for the many blessings we receive.
I resisted worrying about being late for work, because I wasn’t. I admired the chalkboard artwork. They’re open for Mother’s Day. Took photos of my food. And again resisted worrying about being late for work, because I wasn’t. Today I was choosing to give myself a bit of time out. It’s hard. For a long time I prioritised my long list of tasks, meetings, and for what? Then the Universe got tired of waiting for me to learn what was actually important, which people mattered to me, so it snapped me out of it. Being busy became a drug, and it numbed me.
Addiction ruins relationships, and usually the one addicted is the last to realise the impact of their choices. Busyness was my drug, and it numbed me. You can only push the Universe away for so long, until life snaps and you’re left with emotional chaos.
Release, forgive, let go
Today I'm letting go of the guilt I feel. The guilt I feel is that first scab that you get from a day old wound. Just because you've stopped the bleeding, beneath the hardened skin is still the raw, tender flesh held in check by a thin band-aid of scab. My healing process has reached the scab stage - should I pick at it and risk scarring and more bleeding?
But swirling in that guilt keeps me in the past, in the hurt. Each day, each memory, I plan to release, forgive and let go. Today, I am letting go of the guilt.
The other side of fear
Every day is getting easier, some days still feel like I'm not waking up to my life. Like I'm a voyeur into a parallel universe, and I just want to go home. I can see two doors, one that could erase everything that happened, and I would continue to live that ok, yet secretly numbed existence. The other is a view of the present, with the future undecided. Which would you choose? A door that would erase the pain, but never address the cause?
Fear of the unknown. Isn’t that what holds us back, to second guess ourselves, to be in denial of our unhappiness? This fear manifests a hardened belief that we can survive on a bit of happiness, of some ‘me’ time when you’ve completed ten tasks on your list, to feel lonely, isolated. In the business of busyness I lost myself. Beneath the smile I was continually planning meetings, paperwork, paying bills, trying to push my body to squeeze one more second out of the day. One more bloody second.
My love for food was only surpassed by my gluttonous consumption of life.
The day shit hit the fan, was the day the Universe decided I needed an intervention. Don't ignore the Universe, because as much as it wants you to have it all, it’s an ass when it's grumpy. It beat me into humility, I cried until my eyes were raw, and I saw how messed up my way of living was. Before that day I was barely existing, let alone living.
Today I'm doing me.
What's on the other side of fear? Lots. But I can't tell you, you'll have to see it for yourself.
P.S. I agonised whether or not to publish this several times, to delete or to save for another day. Getting these words out have served their purpose, and I am letting go, but I do hope they help someone else who may be in this situation. If I saved this for another day, I will only have to relive this moment in my life, and I don't want to. I have felt every spectrum of my emotions, and I can say I'm on my way to letting go.
One day soon I will emerge from this and fly high. Probably to a foreign land and do some more exploring.
P.P.S. I'm going to focus on getting Be The Rebel, Choose Love event ready for July, it feels right for me. Food, laughs and connections. Let's be inspired together.