The rain has stopped, and the house is really quiet. Except for my music - it feels like the world’s asleep and it’s not even 10pm. I’ve spent most of today on the couch, so maybe I’m trying to feel productive in what’s left of today. Hiking 18km in the Pakihi beats my usual leg day session. Today I chose to rest, plus I was sore.
What’s on my mind tonight? Nothing heavy, just reflecting I guess.
You can say that for every ending there is a beginning. Awhile back when I got the letter in the mail, I marked the date on my phone: Monday July 16, 2018. If you’ve been following my journey, you can probably figure out what was in that letter. I thought I would be sad, but really I felt more relief than anything, this was it, the sign from the Universe that really, it’s time for me to move on.
In my writing, I’ve tried to be honest about life, that even as an optimist, it can still suck. You know what sucks even more? Holding onto anger, bitterness and wasting your energy on ‘being right’. No amount of blaming improves a situation - it eats away at your soul and your energy to begin to heal.
Connecting and sharing joy
Walking the Pakihi Trail wasn’t hard, it was just long. I wanted to do a hike this weekend because the last few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions and I needed to clear my head. Big changes are coming (OK, it is already happening) and part of me was excited, and the other was still hesitant to embrace it.
As I walked deeper into the Pakihi, I came across a part of the Motu River that stopped me in my tracks. It wasn’t particularly picturesque, a simple bend in the river, but the turquoise water somehow caught my eye. I smiled this smile that seems to come across my face for no reason - usually when I find joy in the simplest things. I like that smile.
I passed this section on my way back, and it again made me stop for no reason other than it made me happy. It felt peaceful to be there, that spot. My spot.
The lack of evidence isn’t the evidence of lack
Go on, read that a few more times because I had to before it made sense to me too. How I made sense of it was to keep the faith, that whatever is meant for me is just around the corner - well, at least clarity about it is.
In dance, we have a saying, “Don’t show the next move until you’re actually doing it.” Let them enjoy the moment, right? Sometimes a bit of patience is all it takes, to let things unfold when they need to. In the dance of life, often we focus on the finer details without looking up to see the bigger picture. How it all fits together - the music, choreography, the lights, all the dancers on stage. No matter how much planning you put into your life, you just have to trust that all the parts will come together in the end. Instead of holding onto that anxiety, have faith.
There she goes…
Sometimes change happens by seeing what you don’t want and it asks you to decide what you do want. At my lowest I thought I needed more people in my life, because maybe those crumbs would satisfy my hunger for human connection. Yes, I wanted that connection, craved it, but what I needed more was a connection with me.
When that melancholy washes over me now and then, it reminds me to take time for myself, to be still and cut out the bullshit.
I get asked on a daily basis when I’m leaving for Peru, much like how people ask about the weather. Many tell me they want to catch up before I go, and it’s cool if we do, but most probably won’t. I feel they think it’s the right thing to say. For me, I have a list of people I want to see before I do fly out, and I’m proud to say it’s getting smaller by the week.
By mid-September 2018, I’ll be gone, maybe for a while, maybe longer. When that day comes, I hope you’ll look up to the skies and say, “There she goes, a woman exploring the world, happy and free.”
Ronna Grace Funtelar is a thirtyish storyteller, creative, writer and slam poet currently based in New Zealand. She is a hobby hiker, photography and sunrise enthusiast with a passion for mindfully helping others live beyond their comfort zone.
Basically, a shorty who knows her life purpose.