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Four years ago, a week after I separated from my ex-husband, I sat down and had a cuppa with my friend Steph. It was one of the last times I sat on the couch in my old house, and before she left, she gave me a big bear hug. The kind of hug that holds you until they’re sure you’re ready to let go.

I’ve spent the last four years in a constant state of transition. Healing. Learning. Growing. Actually, a hell of a lot of growing. So much so that I feel like my brain needs a de-frag to make sense of how much I’ve changed.

Life feels like it's come full circle and it’s no surprise that our conversation popped into my head. I still remember the way the bright sunlight flooded the living room, even though we had installed tinting on the upper windows months before. I remember the sound of the faux leather creaking when you shuffle around trying to find a comfortable spot. In my head I can still see the long grass from the backyard, and how nice the breeze felt as it brushed through the opened sliding door. It feels like I’m back in the beginning, except that I’m not.

I guess you can say that I’m somewhere in the middle - wherever I am, it feels peaceful.

It started when I deleted that damn dating app. Who knows how many times I’ve deleted it from my phone. I’ve certainly lost count. I was lying in bed one night, overtired with insomnia, when that familiar thought entered my head. To delete, or not to delete? 

But this, my fear of moving on, to actually hold space for someone is the one thing that felt too big for me. Until now anyway. These last four years I’ve been scared to share my life with someone again, and I guess it’s testament to how far I’ve come to finally admit that.

I looked at my matches and the conversations in my inbox. What I’ve learned with dating apps is that it draws you into a false sense of opportunity to meet people. A match may give you instant validation, but it won’t guarantee you ever meeting in person. In the few weeks I’ve been on it this time round, I’ve not met a single guy. Nil. Nada. Zilch! It made me wonder if I even knew how to date anymore.

And maybe that’s it. I used dating apps as a crutch, because I was scared to actually start dating again. To hold space for someone. We are the best versions of ourselves online after all, so what makes me so different? All those witty conversations and endless texts, how many of them did I progress to meet in real life? Not many, if any. (Did you just rap that too?)

I realised that my cup is full because I chose to face a lot of what used to scare me. But this, my fear of moving on, to actually hold space for someone is the one thing that felt too big for me. Until now anyway. These last four years I’ve been scared to share my life with someone again, and I guess it’s testament to how far I’ve come to finally admit that. Choosing to face your fears is never easy - it forces you to sit with those feelings over and over again, turns your excuses inside out and brings up triggers you didn’t even realise chained you to that fear. Why would anyone want to put themselves through all that? In the words of my friend Steph, “When the fear of staying in the same place is greater than the fear of standing still, that’s when you move.” I think you can guess which one I chose…catch you on the flip side!

xo Ronna Grace

fivefootronna is Ronna Grace Funtelar - a thirtyish adventurer, graphic designer and writer.
A woman with a curious mind who lives for hiking mountains, outdoor adventures and eating pizza. She has a unique brand of optimism that is a combination of her great enthusiasm for life and cups of coffee during the day.