Expressing love in the right language. We tend to speak our own love language, to express love to others in a language that would make us feel loved. But if it is not his/her primary love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to us.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

When I told my workmates that I was going to spend a week in the South Island, one of them asked cheekily if I had anything romantic planned for Valentine’s Day. I had a giggle. I’m the only single one in our team and I guess it’s been awhile since I talked about my dating life. “Not really, probably just coffee with Katri.” We all laughed. Katri and I used to work together and both live in Whakatāne. We were doing the Routeburn Great Walk together.

How do I describe our friendship? Katri’s curious, with a refreshingly straightforward honesty. She will hit me with life questions out of the blue - out on the street, scrambling down Conical Hill or mud deep in the bush. If she’s thinking about it, you bet she will ask the question. Normally, if anyone else asked me personal questions in such open settings, I would tip toe around my answer. I guess our friendship has taught me to be more honest with myself, to have the courage to say how I really feel, which has made me a more honest communicator too.

We’ve talked a lot about love languages (check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) - which is the way we give and receive love and appreciation (with friends, family and of course in the romantic sense). I’m big on quality time, followed by physical touch and words of affirmation. It makes a lot of sense really.Even as a kid I’ve always enjoyed my own company, so if I choose to spend time with people, it’s because they mean something to me.

Katri on the other hand has acts of service - which is about doing things for others and vice versa. On the surface, they can get a bad rep. Do this, do that. It’s not that at all, think about it. When you do something for someone, you’re actually giving up your time to do it. Time you could be doing something else, instead you value that person enough to give them some of your time. Whereas quality time focuses on the meaningful interactions at that moment, acts of service are more about what you do for someone else because you place a high value on time. Same, same but different.

That’s why I’m the planner on our hiking adventures - I do most of the research, sort out the logistics of the trip and make sure we get to the trailhead. We figure out the rest together. She brings her curious self, plenty of banter and of course, chocolate. It plays to both our strengths and what we value the most. She asks me really deep, personal questions, and I give her infinite ways of describing the sunset.

Language in itself is limited in expression because we have to understand them in context. How do you know the difference between a lettuce and a celery? We’re shown the difference, and we attach the meaning based on the context we’ve learned. I remember when I was teaching English in China and the teachers were cooking hamburgers for the students. I put lettuce on the shopping list, and they came back with something that was more like a celery. Oh, but that could just be lost in translation, right? Maybe, but remember, hamburgers are a Western food. What I knew of as lettuce was something completely different in China.

Why is it important to understand love languages? Because language is based on context. We speak in the language we understand, but others will interpret it based on theirs. It’s both nature and nurture - which begs the question of whether your main love language can change based on life’s experiences. Understanding love languages are important because it helps us to communicate our needs and wants in the context the other person can relate to. Maybe it’s something Katri and I will talk about on our next hike.

xo Ronna Grace

fivefootronna is Ronna Grace Funtelar - a thirtyish adventurer, sometimes poet and lover of cheese. She has a unique brand of optimism that is a combination of her great enthusiasm for life and cups of coffee during the day.