Be the river, not the rock
Along the stream that leads to Karaponga Falls in Onepu.
Your brain is a river, not a rock.
Frederick Travis, Ph.D.
My friend Tamizan is what 12-year-old me wanted to be growing up: Smart, independent, financially stable and a homeowner. She’s only in her mid-thirties and already kicking ass at adulting.
Like me, she's a cultural milkshake too - a child of Indian parents who immigrated to Canada. Tamizan was born into Western society with the traditional expectations of Asian culture. We’ve had plenty of discussions about our upbringings and how it has shaped us as women - our sometimes strained relationship with our parents as we seek out independence. A lot of that has spilled over into our dating lives.
In Frederick Travis’ book, ‘Your Brain is a River, Not a Rock,’ our brains are said to be an interface between us and the world, and will change based on our experiences throughout our lives. These shape our perspective of ourselves and the world around us.
Last year, Tamizan got sick. She was bed ridden, lethargic and in pain. The kind of sickness that even after months of tests, the doctors couldn't figure out why her body has suddenly began to attack her body from the inside out.
Tamizan has had an interesting relationship with her career - almost borderline codependency. Over the years, it was often stressful, with no off-switch even when she was off the clock. We had normalised conversations of her frustrations and learning names of faceless coworkers who had pissed her off. “Tamizan, you’re smart and experienced in your industry - have you thought about looking for another job that made you happy?” Silence. In our conversations, there would be a noticeable change in her body, sometimes a discomfort, and definitely an uneasiness. Sometimes, I would joke that if her job was a relationship, it wouldn't be a healthy one.
After months of ill-health and uncertainty, things finally began to look up. Her body started to fight back, slowly she got better and her energy came back. She even made plans to go on holiday with friends to the South Island in the new year. To top it off, Tamizan got better just in time for summer - which meant more time doing something she truly loved, surfing.
You know when you get a bad cold, your energy gets drained, then as you start to get better you think you’re Superman and go a bit too hard out. You relapse. This time it hits you even harder because the immune system’s down. As Tamizan started to recover, she got Glandular Fever. Woah, holy moly.
It was around this second bout of ill-health that Tamizan had to get honest. Is the security of her job a fair trade-off with her health? What was it about her mindset and lifestyle that kept her holding onto the status quo? What needed to happen for her to choose differently? In my own journey of navigating change, I found that there’s less resistance when events and circumstances force us to react. To pivot. To survive. Choosing to change the status quo of our own doing has proved much harder.
We didn’t see each other much when she had Glandular Fever. It was only towards the tail-end when she felt like having visitors that we finally had a chance to catch up. That’s when I learned about the list.
The list was on her fridge, a short, hand-written note about what she values in a job:
Getting paid fairly for my experience and qualifications
Having flexibility for appointments and life needs
Work life balance and wellness
Being able to walk to work
Having a good healthcare plan and in case anything goes wrong
Company which values the environment and its greatest asset, people, and shows it through monetary policy and and vacation policies
Having trust and laughter
Being able to surf
Company which has integrity
Maybe it was because we didn’t see each other regularly that her progress came in leaps and bounds, once she allowed herself to entertain the idea of applying for another job that is. The list sat on her fridge, a daily, visual reminder of what she was walking towards. The unlearning of connecting her self-worth to her job came much slower, and I saw it most in the way her language changed. She had a renewed optimism, like she was tapping into the energy of her future self. How different would this woman be?
So, yeah, Tamizan did apply for THAT job. She went through three rounds of interviews (smashed them obviously), both online and in person. Then they offered her a contract. Tamizan didn’t want to believe it was real until that email popped up in her inbox. She did it. Her list finally came to life! That’s when it hit her - it all came flooding back. Everything that happened in the last two years which made THAT contract a reality.
It’s been a month since she took her new job. Her health continues to improve and she’s walking around in a much better energy these days. Water flows through rocks, and where it flows will shape the environment around it. Tamizan chose to be the river, persevering through all the things that made her feel stuck, eventually carving through stubborn rocks that were holding her back. Awesome stuff chica, so proud of you.
xo Ronna Grace
fivefootronna is Ronna Grace Funtelar - a thirtyish adventurer, sometimes poet and lover of cheese. She has a unique brand of optimism that is a combination of her great enthusiasm for life and cups of coffee during the day.