In early January I wrote a poem called Summer Rain - the idea literally came to me as a sudden sun shower came out from nowhere. The first verse came quick, but the rest of the poem took over two weeks to write. Or maybe, I was just scared to write with so much honesty.
Who was the poem about? An unrequited love? Not quite. More like someone who was a band aid to the bouts of loneliness I go through. Which isn’t as often, or last as long as the early days. It’s one of the few poems where I had allowed myself to be truly vulnerable, and it takes a lot for me to keep my emotions from spilling over when I perform it.
You often hear of people talk about soulmate connections in this overly hyper-romantic kind of way, though for me, it’s simply a profound connection with another human being. They get you without ‘knowing’ you. The way I felt about this man was just that - it was an intense connection, and I couldn’t shake that feeling for months after we stopped talking. I didn’t see a future between us, that’s how the logical part of my brain saw the situation, but the heart wants what it wants, right? That’s why moving on requires faith, because faith makes what looks like weeds grow into food for your soul.
My friend Nyre is an old soul. There’s so much about her that I admire, and there’s not a week that goes by where she hasn’t made me look at a situation differently, just by a conversation we’ve had. She once posted a story on Instagram which said, “Positive changes don’t always feel good.” Sigh. I get that, I do.
One day, I told her that I no longer believed that men are intimidated by a strong woman. Instead, they’re sometimes taken back by their own capacity to love her, to walk alongside her, to help her grow. Is he ready to claim that power? Once he sees this, he has a choice to make - to stay and grow with her, or to continue on his own journey without her. This can happen when you’re first dating, or maybe you are in a long-term relationship and you suddenly find yourself looking into the eyes of a familiar stranger.
Of course, that works both ways. Have I been sabotaging these connections because I was afraid of my own power? Most likely.
What do I want to achieve in the next few months? I want to do the work to learn to trust myself again. Actually do stuff with other people. I’m making a promise that 2018 is the year I’m going to let love back into my life - platonic, romantic and beyond. Is what I’m doing based on love or fear, and which actions align with my life purpose? So, what’s my purpose in life? I think it’s simply to live the best life I can, and the rest, just become the details.
Positive Changes Don't Always Feel Good is an extract from my second book to be released circa 2019, and the sequel to STUCK - Friends, Lovers & The Obscurity of In Between (May 2017).