As I make my way over the Tasman Sea, there's an ironic longing to be home, when for the last few months I spent a lot of my time wanting to leave.
Here I am on a flight to Sydney, and the view is incredible. The clouds like cotton balls over the blue expanse. Looking out a plane window, no matter the weather, always feels like home. There's always an adventure waiting for me on the other side.
Last weekend I took a walk on the rocks at The Heads. It was low tide and everyone else must have had the same idea, enjoying the sunshine and exploring the small pools before the sea reclaimed them.
Five years ago I stood barefoot in that spot, in a cream dress, my skin still had the glow of a long, dry summer. My face ached from smiling and hangry crept in my mood. This day, I was again in barefeet and smiled at the passing boat about to approach the bar. I left any lingering heartache and longing on those rocks, where the tide will wash away any regrets. With sand in between my toes, I finally felt free of ‘us’.
I had a coffee date this week, and it was nice. Just when I thought I had been stood up, we realised we had been waiting on each other at opposite sides of the cafe. It’s all new to me, getting to know someone again, so I’m not going to burden it, and him, of having to live up to some great romantic notion.
Life doesn't have a rewind button, but why relieve and worry about the past when today, and any day we choose, we have the opportunity to be a better version of yesterday.
As I sat there, sipping my moccha, I heard my soul laugh for the first time in a long time. Not because of him, but because I felt comfortable in my own skin. In that moment, I knew I was going to be OK. I no longer had to ‘be strong’, I just had to be me, that was enough. I am enough.
If you are a creative, or live with or love one, you will understand the frustration, often exasperation of our emotional spectrum. There were days I would crash when I was emotionally exhausted, and stood at the edge of burn out. Then there are days we are not.
The pursuit of perfection, in our professional lives often spills over into our personal ones. I am a procrastinator, sometimes gripped by fear that what I will do, will never live up to my own, often unrealistic expectations. Still, I get things done, but it’s a tug of war.
I was so consumed with the view that I didn't realise the guy next to me had been attempting to do the same. So I spent the rest of the descent with my head awkwardly pinned to the headrest.
We got lost a few times on the way to Guilford, turning left, instead of our ‘other right’, and spent 30 minutes looking for number 39 until I ran into the owner as I asked for directions.
This trip has been soul cleansing for me and I’m grateful for that. I don't feel I have to pretend I have it all figured, just get on with figuring it out. Best of all, I don't feel like I have to hide anymore, my life has changed and it’s a blessing.